The Water is Rising (BEDA #1)

Welcome to April, lovelies. If I had any self control, this is not a thing I would be writing, but it feels too wrong to abstain from BEDA. It’s tradition. Today’s blog comes to you in three parts.  

Part 1: Technical problems. 

Part 2: That really personal piece of information I’ve wanted to share with you guys all week.

Part 3: A response to a blog post that Kayley wrote the other day.

One: My computer won’t turn on. I have to reinstall OSX, but the cd is at my house, so I have to take it to the Apple store, which I absolutely cannot do till Tuesday night. My schedule is so full I want to spit. As I write this, I am on a ten hour bus ride from DC to Boston typing on an iPad listening to Sunday in the Park with George. 

Two: On March 25 my great-grandfather died. I am not experienced with death, but when my favorite book characters or television characters die, I fall into funks for days. So if you apply that knowledge to the death of a man who raised me, lived with me, and supported me endlessly, then you begin to understand that this week has been really hard. 

The reason why it’s getting to me so badly is that a few weeks before I left for school, I almost pulled my Emerson acceptance because I knew my grandfather was going to die while I was away and I wanted to be home when it happened. And then when I saw him at Christmas he remembered my name and that I was in Boston, even though everything else was slipping. I swear, all I wanted was for him to hold on till Summer, but he was so sick and he needed to die. Next weekend I am going home for the funeral.

Okay, that was personal. More personal than I get with the Internet, but if you wanted to know, now you know. 

Three: In the last episode of Unblock the Smiletrap I mentioned that I was beginning to feel dissatisfied with the Internet. I said I didn’t know how long I’d be vlogging. This is a very real concern for me, so Kayley’s blog post about this topic is something I really want to respond to. 

Whenever vloggers are asked how long they see themselves continuing to vlog they always respond that they will continue to vlog as long as it continues to be fun and with all due respect, I think that’s bullshit. My videos toe the line between personal and professional. They are conversational, but they are topical. I am a partner, albeit a very small-scale one, and therefore YouTube can’t be all about fun anymore. It’s about networking and feeling important and connecting to people, but fun isn’t a huge factor for me anymore. I like talking, but I hate filming. I don’t like to worry about HD video or lighting or jump cuts. I just want to talk to people. 

I used to want to be “noticed” and have some sort of clout, but the last five years have certainly quelled that desire. I have fantastic friends. It is true that people I don’t know on the Internet are frequently beyond sweet to me. But for some reason the pieces that always stick are the assholes. I’m not talking about people who participate in discussion, I’m talking about people who always have to have the last word and who feel the need to make vloggers feel like shit and the people who have made this HOBBY feel like a JOB. 

I shouldn’t be “putting up” with my viewers. I am not fat, I am not ugly, I am not ignorant, I am not ungrateful. And most of all, I am very lucky to be friends with wonderful people, but I would like to think that they are equally lucky to be friends with me. I am smart, capable, relatively attractive, and I try my hardest to be the best friend I can be. And this is not a paragraph I want to type out in response to every mean comment I get or every anonymous tumblr question I get. It’s not worth it. 

I don’t know how long I’ll be vlogging. The reality is that I barely have time to sleep and eat right now with everything else I’m doing. Some of my best friends haven’t heard from me in weeks. I am not planning to quit vlogging, but I will also never apologize if I can’t make a video every week. 

I want people to watch. I want people to comment. I want you to send my channel to your friends. But I don’t want all of that at the expense of myself.  

I think maybe I’m just going through an internal crisis. The busyness and the grandpa and the Internet bitchiness… I got some struggz. 

And with this really fucking long ramble over: Welcome to April, assholes.

Respond to this blog in any way you wish.

Hours I’ve worked: 0
Live performances I’ve seen: 0 

Quote of the day: “I’d rather suffocate with you than breathe alone.” Don’t Breathe, Robert Borden